Introduction:

Everything is a choice. How we dress is a choice, who we associate with is a choice, our chosen profession is a choice. Everything. We are faced with an endless number of decisions that we need to make every day. Sometimes we don’t even stop to give the decision much thought such as deciding what to eat for breakfast. Other times decisions are more complex and require lots of thought before we select an option such as should we take a new job. There are times in our life, though, that decisions are not obvious to us. We feel stuck and unaware that we are being faced with a choice.

My daughter was diagnosed with neuroblastoma (cancer of the adrenal gland) when I was a pediatric resident. She had surgery followed by chemotherapy and then countless radiology studies and physician visits to ensure the cancer remained in remission. This was certainly a challenging time, but returning to my role as a pediatrician after caring for my daughter proved to be an unanticipated challenge.

I always had a passion to care for children and I worked hard in my residency to be great pediatrician. Even though the hours were long, I loved going to work because I knew that I had the skills to make a child’s life better. When I returned to work after the birth of my children, I still felt joy. I found myself missing my new child, but I kept their photos in my white coat pocket and I carried out my day with confidence because I knew they would be fine. I was making a difference in the world and being a strong role model for them. When I returned to work, though, after Kyleigh recovered from her last dose of chemotherapy, my joy felt extinguished.

Mothers would bring in their child for a new rash or a fever that had been present for one day. Fathers would bring in their children for diarrhea or spend an appointment slot asking me how tall I thought their toddler would be when fully grown. I found myself becoming bitter and angry after each patient left my exam room. I was resentful towards my patients because they hadn’t been through the intense medical journey that I had been through. By taking an objective look at my mind, it became clear that I was stuck in a world of resentment because I had a decision: stay in medicine or stay home with my daughter? If I decided to stay in medicine, I needed to decide how could I rekindle my joy.

Tony Robbins once said, “It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped.” I feel fortunate that I had the gift of self-awareness during this early point in my career and could see that a decision could propel my life forward. I intentionally chose to stay in medicine because I realized that Kyleigh medical problems were a gift that could make me a better doctor. I worked to understand my patients rather than resent them. Parents were coming to see me because they were worried about their child just like I worried about my daughter. This understanding allowed me to regenerate my passion and focus. I have had a remarkable medical career because I was able to intentionally decide to get unstuck.