This was a thought that I recently caught my brain telling me. My youngest child experienced difficult times through high school. The isolation of COVID added a layer of challenges to an introvert who isn’t comfortable in her own skin. I have tried to help her develop autonomy and confidence throughout high school years by offering support, arranging therapy appointments, refilling anti-depressants, and communicating with the school. She started senior year and her self-confidence still needs work.

As a mother, I will be throwing my child into the world after high school. I’m running out of time to help. She plans to attend college, but I’m nervous that her anxiety isn’t controlled and she won’t be able overcome the obstacles thrown at her. Here comes the thought again…I’m running out of time to help. She wants to pursue a degree in environmental sciences, but I’m concerned her confidence isn’t strong enough for success in the next phase of life. And yet again…I’m running out of time to help.

Our thoughts create our emotions and feelings are what drive our actions. The recurring thought about time makes me feel panicked and desperate. I found myself questioning the therapist and investigating other therapy opportunities. I noticed myself agreeing with a psychiatrist who was offering to make FOUR changes to a medication plan. I was not enjoying the milestones of my child’s senior year and I realized that this was the last time I would experience these joys as a parent. This created even more panic and less joy. I was in a vicious cycle.

Actions taken out of panic and desperation are much different than actions taken from feelings of love and abundance. I am lucky enough to know this to be true and to have the tools to help catch myself to guide my ship back on course. My love for my child is unquestionable, but I needed to change my thought about time to provide me the comfort of abundance. I needed a new thought that I believed.

“A lot can happen in a year.”

This was my new thought that created a sense of calmness. I absolutely believe it and it allows me to feel the abundance of time rather than the scarcity of it. I can take a breath and realize that aggressive medication changes aren’t necessary, but instead I can pause and begin brainstorming with my child about less desperate solutions.

I noticed that when my thought changed, my brain was telling me other ideas to further support my feelings of love and abundance. I know that my child will constantly grow and evolve just like every human. The growth during senior year does not stop after graduation. There is plenty of time. Enjoying the events of senior year with the love and support of her mother will help to build confidence. I have the perfect amount of time.

What actions are you taking out of desperation rather than love and abundance?

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Each time the response was the same, “I don’t know. Let’s just see how her blood sugars do.”.

There were criteria that needed to be met to transition to a pump, but an exact date and time that it would be safe to transition remained uncertain. Each unanswered question from Kyleigh’s doctor led to discomfort and disappointment and we could have easily given up asking or trying for the pump.

The future of our child regardless of their health issue is never in our control. Sometimes it is expected that questions are left unanswered. We ask questions such as “What’s the next treatment?” or “What happens if this class intervention doesn’t work?” or “When will we be able to sleep through the night?” and we don’t gain clarity because of the unpredictability of chronic illnesses. As parents, living with uncertainty is uncomfortable, but it is a necessary part of life.

The twists and turns of a child’s medical journey can sometimes be out of our control. We need to be cautious, though, that the known lack of control doesn’t turn into defeat. I was recently discussing a classic psychology study by Dr. Seligman in which dogs were put in different circumstances and given an electric shock. The group of dogs who inferred that they did not have control of the shock, gave up and didn’t try to escape. The conversation about this study reminded me that as parents, we, too, can experience this behavior of learned helplessness. I could have easily become one of Seligman’s dogs who gave up when things seemed out of my control.

Becoming defeated by uncertainty can destroy our confidence. The job of advocacy is an important task when we are parenting a child with chronic needs. Advocacy can only be successfully accomplished with confidence. If I allowed myself to be defeated by the unanswered timing of Kyleigh’s pump, I would have stopped asking and lost my confidence in advocating for Kyleigh in the physician’s office and in other areas like school accommodations.

We maintain self-confidence when we maintain awareness and acceptance. Since our emotions are created by our thoughts, the first step is awareness of the ideas leading to feeling defeated. Thoughts such as “That was a stupid question” or “I should have never asked because I knew the answer” need to be recognized so we can intentionally work on halting and changing our thinking.

Acceptance of an uncertain path forward also works to maintain our confidence. I didn’t know when Kyleigh would get a pump, but I knowing it would eventually happen gave me the confidence to continue to ask about it at each visit. Focusing on things that are in our control and accepting the uncertain things that we cannot control is the key to finding peace and confidence.

What are the unanswered questions about your child’s health that you need to accept?

The post Finding Peace and Confidence appeared first on Maureen Michele.

From a young age, children are assigned grades which judge their performance at school. If they complete assignments and get correct answers on a test, they receive a high mark. Obviously, the reverse also occurs: incorrect answers lead to bad marks. The assigning of grades became challenging to my young perfectionist self.

I am a recovering perfectionist. I worked hard for straight A’s and thought I had beautiful cursive writing. I would complete every cursive practice page assigned for homework. I loved being able to have the letters flow neatly across the page. I took pride in my ability to write cursive until my sixth-grade teacher gave me my report card. I opened it and saw I had received all A’s and one B in handwriting. She hated my handwriting. I am still puzzled by assigning letter grades to the subjective subjects like art and handwriting, but this report card was the feedback I used to start judging myself. The handwriting that I once viewed as beautiful became ugly and imperfect in my own mind.

As life became more challenging, my self-judgment became more prominent. I was never a good student even though I was salutatorian of my high school class. I was weak even though I could easily carry a 50lb rucksack during a military march. I was a bad mom even though I never missed a school performance or doctor’s appointment.

We are taught at an early age that judging ourselves can be motivating to do better on the next semester’s report card. In reality, self-judgment can become detrimental to living the life of our dreams. The negative self-talk leaves us feeling shameful. These emotions result in giving up on your goals because why try when you believe you are never good enough?

Parents are heroes, but parents of chronically ill children are superheroes. We, though, often get judged for how we care for our children, our use of time, and how we manage our other responsibilities. Judgment is part of life, although this doesn’t mean that we need to believe any of it including the thoughts of self-judgment that our brain offers. Throughout my life I have chosen to print instead of write in cursive because I allowed the opinion of my sixth-grade teacher to impact me. I am wiser now and understand that judgment from others or from our own mind does not need to influence our actions. The development of strong self-confidence can silence the negative thoughts and allow us to choose if we want to believe words of judgement. Self-confidence can be our superpower as we navigate our chaotic world. It can give us the calmness and peace that we so desperately seek.

What judgments are you NOT going to believe today? Will you choose to continue to write cursive or stick to print?

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I am a recovering perfectionist who wants to be a great mother, fantastic physician and coach, committed partner, and a healthy athlete. I try to juggle each of these roles on any given day. Each of these roles is independently hard and requires energy and focus. The roles become even more challenging when exhaustion creeps in after a sleepless night because Kyleigh’s blood sugar was wacky. It is often inevitable on these days that a ball will be dropped during my juggling act. Thoughts of failure will begin to creep in.

I can’t deny that I have failed because according to the definition, my inability to maintain all my balls in the air was “a falling short”. The negativity that follows is because I beat myself up for falling short and I make it mean that I am the worst mother, physician/coach, partner or athlete. I judge myself for not being able to reach my goal that day.

Failure does not need to include judgement. With awareness, these judgmental thoughts can be acknowledged and stopped. It has become easier to stop judging myself when I understood that failure nothing more than data gathering. As a physician scientist, I love data and use it to create treatment plans with my patients. I can use the data to see what worked and what didn’t work for patient similar to my own. I have learned to use these scientific skills in my own life and collect data to help become the best version of myself. Failure means the data is telling me that I need to do things differently next time. On days that I have dropped one of my balls, it doesn’t mean that I am the worst person. It merely means that the data is telling me that I need more sleep to do better the next day.

I create treatment plans for my patients every day. I would never be confident in the treatment plan if I didn’t consider the data. Failure is necessary for our life’s plans. I want to know how to grow and improve, but the only way to do this is to try and possibly fail. Data gathering is just part of the process.

What are you making failure mean?

The post Redefining Failure appeared first on Maureen Michele.

Avoidance is our brain’s way to keep us safe. It is a subconscious action we are taking in response to our thoughts and feelings. Sometimes we are avoiding because our brain remembers a past situation that created bad feelings. Our brain is protecting us from experiencing these feelings again. Sometimes we are avoiding because we are contemplating experiencing something new and our brain is again protecting us by maintaining the status quo.

Avoidance, though, only works for a short time. We can avoid our feelings and thoughts for a little while, but eventually they will come back to us, often when we are least expecting it. The more we practice avoidance, the longer we have to wait before feeling safe again. We are all human and we all have the right to feel safe. However, if you want to grow as a person and reach your goals, then you need to take risks. You will never know what is on the other side of that cliff until you climb over it. When we avoid, we are not being true to ourselves. We are not doing what we want to do or living the life that would make us happy. We are also not learning and growing from our experiences. Sometimes, we are avoiding because we are afraid of failing. The truth is that you will not know until you try. If you never take the leap of faith and try something new, then nothing will change. An avoidance strategy may make us feel better in the short term, but it is doesn’t help us in the long term.

For me, as a parent of a child with a medical problem, I found myself wanting to avoid doctor’s appointments. I understand now that my subconscious inaction of procrastinating on scheduling appointments was the result of my thoughts. These thoughts ultimately led to my feelings which is what I was really trying to avoid.

Some parents dread doctor’s appointments because the parent will be required to advocate for their child. When parents don’t think they have the confidence to advocate, they become fearful and avoid the doctors. I am a doctor, though, so this reason for avoidance seemed silly because I shouldn’t be fearful of advocacy, but I was. Advocacy for your child involves agreeing, questioning, and perhaps disagreeing with a doctor or school official or caretaker. I held the belief that I am a people pleaser so thoughts of disagreeing with someone especially a colleague created waves of fear. This left me paralyzed.

Appointments are also the time when the reality of your child’s problem is at the forefront of your thoughts. Kyleigh lives every day with diabetes and I am reminded of it when the alarms on my phone alert me to her blood sugar are out of range. Even though these reminders are always present, they become subtle white noise. Doctor’s appointments, though, are the screaming reminder through the white noise that there is no cure for this condition. I would hear this reminder loud and clear during Kyleigh’s medical visits and I would feel hopeless. This, too, left me paralyzed.

The idea of sitting in a doctor’s office with my child made me feel uncomfortable and anxious. I didn’t know what to expect, and it scared me. So I avoided those appointments at all costs. In order to move past this place and into a place of action, I needed to first identify my thoughts. When I did this, it was clear that they were based on thoughts I had created. The truth is that we are all in charge of our thoughts and feelings. We can choose to believe something or not. The world around us has nothing to do with how we feel or what we think. So why do so many people fall victim to this type of thinking? I think it’s because they don’t understand the power they have over their own minds. I recognized that my feelings were created by my thoughts and I could change those thoughts. I learned that if I wanted to feel better, then I had to change the way I thought about things.

We know that appointments for our child cannot be indefinitely avoided. Of course, my child’s health depends on seeing her physicians and her health is important to me. I worked to understand the underlying cause of my avoidance and I practiced controlling my thoughts about advocacy and acceptance of our reality. I have learned to process emotions rather than escape them which has made me stronger, more courageous, and more fulfilled. I am now confident in my ability to take on uncomfortable situations like medical visits because I know I can choose how I think.

I am not helpless in the face of my child’s medical issues. I can take action to improve our quality of life, and that gives me hope for the future. I have learned that I can take action even when I am scared. I have gained confidence in my ability to cope with difficult situations and overcome obstacles because of this experience. My child’s health depends on seeing her physicians and her health is important to me. I have learned to be kind and compassionate towards myself. I can choose to think about something else or I can think about how important it is for us to get our child the care she needs. I am learning that self-awareness, mindfulness, and acceptance are powerful tools in helping me live as a parent with a chronically ill child. I know how to control my thoughts and I have learned that when we feel stress and anxiety it is because we are thinking about something in a way that makes us feel bad. When we change our perspective, the feelings go away.

If you find yourself avoiding something, it is important to ask yourself “why?”. Sometimes the answer will be obvious and other times it may take some digging. Once you have identified why you are avoiding a situation or experience, then decide if this avoidance is serving you. If not, then make a decision to move forward instead of allowing your brain to keep you stuck in the past.

What are you avoiding? Have you reflected on why you are avoiding it?

The post Breaking Free from Avoidance appeared first on Maureen Michele.

Being a parent of a chronically ill child is a tough and emotionally draining experience. The constant need to make difficult decisions and the fear of making the wrong ones can leave you feeling stuck and indecisive. In such situations, it’s common to tell yourself that you’re trying your best, but are you really trying?

It’s important to evaluate your thoughts and actions without judgment so you can objectively assess whether you’re truly putting forth the effort. This compassionate evaluation can help you gather valuable data to improve your approach and make progress towards your goals.

It’s easy to fill your time with activities like researching health problems and treatments or learning about a new diagnosis. While these are important tasks, they can also be a way to avoid making difficult decisions that could result in failure. However, it’s essential to remember that indecision keeps you stuck, and making decisions, even if they might not work out, moves you forward.

We are faced with countless decisions when parenting a child with challenges. We often feel like we as “trying” because our time is consumed with things like researching health problems and treatments or learning about a new diagnosis. These are important, but we sometimes fill lots of time with these activities to avoid a decision that might result in failure. When we are deciding about things that impact our child’s health and happiness, we place a heavy burden on each and every decision and forget that deciding moves us forward regardless of the outcome. Staying in a place of indecision keeps us safe, but it also keeps us stuck.

As a mother of a chronically ill child, I understand the challenges that come with making difficult decisions. My daughter, Kyleigh, survived neuroblastoma as an infant, and now lives with Type 1 diabetes. When Kyleigh was first diagnosed with diabetes, I was overwhelmed with fear. Soon as her diagnosis, she wanted an insulin pump. My fear began to result in indecision. I spent countless hours researching treatments and trying to find the “perfect” solution to manage her blood sugar. Did an insulin pump provide good blood sugar control? Should she continue on shots to give the best management of her diabetes? I soon realized that this was just a way to avoid making decisions that could result in failure.

When we are really “trying”, we are making decisions that could result in failure. Failure is uncomfortable, but it is part of the process of living because it teaches us how to adjust and do it better. It can be liberating to understand that not every decision will be perfect. The outcome of every decision whether it is positive or negative is just feedback, but we limit our ability to collect this feedback if we are stuck in indecision.

Trying in life means putting forth extraordinary effort and making unwavering commitments to our priorities and goals. Trying is continuing to put one foot in front of another and when we reach a crossroads, trying is picking a direction and accepting that the path ahead no matter what the outcome. Trying is deciding. Trying is living. Today is your day to go try!

Is there a decision that you are “trying” to make? Make the commitment to decide.

The post Parenting a Chronically Ill Child: Are You Really Trying? appeared first on Maureen Michele.

“They think I can do everything.”

“They have no idea what I go through in a day.”

“They treat us like a textbook, not a real person.”

When children have chronic conditions, parents have lots of “theys”. I would catch myself with thoughts circling around doctors, teachers, and family members as my “theys”. I was turning these individuals into villains and feeling like I was their victim. I blamed them for the challenges I faced with my daughter, Kyleigh. It was their fault when I felt angry or disappointed.

The victim mentality is dangerous. It allows another individual to have power over you and takes away your emotional control. If you identify as a victim, this loss of emotional control can impact how you live in your life. It leads to hopelessness and negativity that will often bleed into other areas of your life.

When we feel miserable, our minds create villains by wanting it to be someone’s fault. We eventually become trapped because we are in a constant loop of self-pity. We have placed our “they” in charge of how we feel. Often this loss of power occurs subconsciously so in order to stop the loop, we need to be aware that we are taking on a victim role. Blame, defensiveness, and complaining are clues that we are taking on the role of victim.

All of our feelings are created by our thinking. It is our responsibility to determine how we want to feel even when sometimes emotions are not pleasant. Processing negative emotions and intentionally choosing how we want to think about the people in our lives can build confidence and resiliency.

Imagine two school-aged children: one is a bully and one is a nerd. The bully demands that the nerd gives over his lunch money. The nerd is faced with a choice: he can comply, hand over the money which gives the bully power or the nerd can walk away building courage for the next time. The nerd chooses to walk away, but the bully follows and demands again. The nerd hands over his money. With continued practice and consistency, though, the nerd becomes stronger and walking away becomes easy.

Our ability to choose our thoughts and avoid the victim role takes practice and consistency just like the nerd. We cannot expect perfection and sometimes we will fall back into the victim role. This is part of being human, but awareness brings understanding and continued practice. With time, maintaining our emotional control can become our superpower.

Who is the someone in your life that you think is the cause of your pain? How can you change your thought to reclaim your power?

The post Restoring Your Power appeared first on Maureen Michele.

I had created manuals for Kyleigh’s doctors and nurses. Whenever my daughter was admitted or evaluated during an appointment, I would bring Kyleigh to the visit with expectations for how the doctor was supposed to talk to me or how the nurse was supposed to act. Sometimes the appointment would proceed exactly as outlined in my manual, but other times, my expectations were not met and I was left very unsettled. The doctors and nurses didn’t do anything wrong, they just didn’t do it the way I expected. These feelings began impacting other relationships, interfered with my ability to advocate for Kyleigh, and increased my worry about my daughter’s health.

Owner’s manuals can help us with new product purchases, but they are useless when we have created them for interactions with other people. When a child has a medical diagnosis, we are forced to interact with many people. We work with a wide net of people to include medical staff, school administrators, therapists, and other caregivers. Creating specific manuals for each of these roles does not help our child and is a threat to the life we want to live. These expectations about how life is supposed to occur can hold you back and be blinded to other perspectives.

Throwing away the owner’s manuals that our brain has created can be done by becoming aware of our subconscious expectations and then practicing acceptance and gratitude. Recognizing the expectations that we have set and understanding the emotions that are a result without any judgement or guilt, gives us awareness of the problem our mind has created. Acceptance is understanding that we are not in control of any positive or negative experience, but we are in control of how we respond. Spending time noticing and appreciating the positive moments through gratitude practices will foster optimism and help to release resentment.

Manuals cause more suffering. They can create an extra burden of resentment that will add to pain not decrease it.

Which manual should be tossed in the trash first?

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Someone was doesn’t believe that the goal is obtainable, won’t put forth maximal effort. Without a strong belief, prominent thoughts appear such as, “Why bother?” or “This is never going to work.” These thoughts crush any motivation to work towards the goal.

When children are diagnosed with medical issues, parents become overwhelmed with the needs of their child. As time goes by, the chaos of a disorganized life exacerbates these feelings and causes them to sink deeper in to despair. Organization of their mind, time, and physical space becomes an important goal for combating the feelings of being overwhelmed. The parents who are able to move from despair to joy believe that they can acquire the skills to get their life in order.

Two brothers were brought to clinic by their mother to be evaluated by me for allergies and asthma. I spoke to the mom about treatments that I would recommend to get the boys’ symptoms under control. A few months later, they came back to clinic, but the boys were not doing well. They were experiencing lots of symptoms and had even needed to go the emergency room for flares of their asthma. I looked at their allergy shot chart and they had been missing shots. The boys admitted to not using their inhalers and didn’t know where their allergy medicine was in the house. As I gathered more information, I realized that the mom was drowning in trying to manage her sons’ medical issues along with maintaining life. I began to talk about a treatment plan and the mom broke down in tears, “I can’t do this. I have never been good at keeping track of things. I can’t do everything.”

We paused the treatment plan discussion and focused on what mom was believing about herself. By the time we were done, she was able to see that her pessimistic belief was getting in the way of her working towards being better about medicine and appointments for her boys. In addition to asthma medicine, we spoke about time management and medication management strategies.

I saw the boys several months later and the mom was smiling and confident when I entered the room. She told me about how she created an asthma medicine basket for each boy along with a chart to track medication use. She showed me how they were now using a family calendar to make sure the boys got to their appointments. The boys’ symptoms were well-controlled and at this visit, we had smiles instead of tears when discussing changes in therapy.

When the visit was over, the family was leaving and the mom turned to me and said, “I just needed to believe I could do it.”. Her belief and effort allowed her to reach her goal and gave her confidence and hope.

Are you believing something that is stopping you from reaching your goal?

The post Beliefs Needed to Reach Your Goals appeared first on Maureen Michele.